“I take too long to come” She said
This is a thought a lot of women have during sex with a partner, or maybe even during making self love!
First of all: women’s sexuality works a bit different from men’s sexuality.
For women to live their full orgasmic potential, they have to be aware of the possibilities available in their bodies themselves.
And this is where our sex ed is a bit off already.
It doesn’t tell us about the multiple ways to women’s sexual pleasure and definitely not about different kinds of orgasmic experiences.
Or that women’s way to high arousal or orgasm takes (on average) a bit longer than men, but if she gets there, she’s on fire!
I love this quote of the comedian Jerry Seinfeld (bit of an oldie, but this one just rocks):
“The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”
This doesn’t mean that it always has to be like this. It depends i.e. on the stress level, where you are in your cycle, and how you feel in the relationship at the moment.
Maybe you feel like YOU want to be in charge and embody a more masculine sexuality. All great.
There’s a tendency though that for a lot of women the context needs to be right in order to feel safe enough to sink into the realms of receiving, surrender, and pleasure.
And this is the start, when you feel safe, you can more easily surrender into more and more pleasure.
Or even have orgasm after orgasm.
And this is another thing when it comes to the thought ‘I take too long’.
Because what takes too long?
To orgasm? To be ready for penetration? Or…
What do YOU actually desire?
Or what do you expect from yourself?
There are so many ways to share pleasure with your partner that doesn’t have to be related to orgasm (or penetration) at all.
To experience pleasure together without the goal of orgasm (also for him!) can be super amazing.
Then there are also multiple ways to experience orgasm.
What’s your definition of orgasm?
A clitoral peak, a vaginal orgasm, a blended orgasm, or waves or sexual energy?
This is also not the full story though, because there are quite some women that are not so much in touch with their own pleasure when they are having sex with a partner.
They feel some kind of pressure that (s)he should feel sexually satisfied.
That’s true, your partner should have pleasurable sex with consent.
Just like you.
Having pleasurable sex is your birthright.
But that’s easier said than done.
There’s quite some shame around.
Shame to share what you actually like, what feels good.
More wetness?
More or less intensity?
A bit to the left, a bit to the right?
Quicker, slower?
To make it even more complicated… this is not always the same.
Literally.
The thickness of the mucus membranes (where your vulva and vagina are made of) changes during your cycle.
So what to do now?
When The Thought comes up “I take too long”...
Ask yourself what you desire yourself.
What do you want to experience with your partner?
Do you actually want to have a clitoral (or blended) orgasm?
Or penetration?
Or do you just want to have a lot of pleasure?
Or other kinds of wavy orgasms?
Or intimacy? Just kissing?
Or..?
If you have been in contact with yourself and formulated an answer to what you actually desire at the moment, you can ask yourself:
What do I need for that to have that experience?
And then take responsibility for that.
Give specific directions, change what you do.
Honour your authentic desire and see where your pleasure and joy go from there.
If you’re not sure about what your partner thinks, ask.
Create exploration together.
Easier said than done maybe, because of fears… shame… but remember…
You’ve got the same right for pleasurable sex as your partner.
Talking about sex can be the same as talking about your favourite way to drink coffee.
To make it for your partner in the perfect way with the exact right ratio might take some practice and feedback.
And that’s ok, right?
Also… don’t beat yourself up for thinking ‘I take too long’, or having shame to share or fear to share what you like.
It’s coming from all kinds of old programming.
For example from the collective/societal taboo on female pleasure to the personal fear of loss of love (‘when I say this or that I’m too much’, ‘my partner will take it wrong’).
There’re so many ways in which those old programs can be triggered.
And you can create new ones.
This starts by questioning this assumption of ‘I take too long’.
Do you really?
Is this a real truth, for realz, really really?
I don’t think so.
Curious about the tools and practices? Begin with The Foundation Practice from my Multi-Orgasmic Method, it’s free here!
Wishing you all tons of pleasure in your lives.